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F-Cubed

sugar, sugar.....

5/30/2017

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This is a hard blog to post, it's one I posted about 5 years ago and based on my naked blog last week it seemed the right thing to re-post.  It's hard as when I re-read it and edit a little, it reminds me of where I was (sad feelings) and where I am now (happy feelings!!) and it is scary to put it out there!


When you look at me, you'll likely see a good looking (in my opinion!!),  trim and toned,  45 year old woman who is pretty damn happy and confident with herself and life in general. That happiness didn't just happen, it took a lot of soul searching and self analysis and change to my underlying beliefs.  

Regarding my physique, I am blessed with good genes (thanks mum and dad) -  but I have worked at my body; it's not 'luck'.  I consistently train, watch what I eat on the whole and still have those days when I look in a mirror and go 'ugh'... Those days are less and less now, my training is not so long and intense, and my eating way more in 'control' than it's been for a long time. 

And that's what this blog is about - when I was pretty stressed with life and who I was and what I was doing, my eating escalated out of control, mainly sugary foods.  It was a means to runaway from myself and not face what was going in my head, which luckily I did in 2015.

I wanted to share this again because I think it's important for us to see beyond what our eyes see.   We live in this world of social media through which we post our good times and hide the bad.  Do we share our troubles or hide them? "My life is ok - all is fine/good" - whereas the reality is not always so.  The "keeping up with the Joneses", which is uncanny as I am a Jones.....  

I could babble for quite some time on this, but this blog is already really long!!

My intention is that by sharing my shit, it helps others to open up about theirs too.  I am in a good place in life now - this post isn't a cry for help, it is a sharing of my experience as the time seems right.

Thanks
​x
Originally posted 2012.

My admission – I am a binge eater. Phew I said it and the feeling of relief that I have had since I admitted it, not only to myself but to others is HUGE and I now feel I can make the changes I need to to stop my sabotaging behaviour. And it is sabotaging and it starts to get to you.  I would have a few 'clean' days then something would set me off – I wasn't always sure what, hence why I tried so many eating plans to try to stop it.   They worked for a few days or even a week and then I'd be back to overload.

Those know me, know me as a fit, healthy woman who likes chocolate and if you didn't know me but saw a photo you'd probably think I ate pretty well and had no 'problems' as such. Looks are deceiving and behind everyone lies a story.  What you look like doesn't mean anything and many people don't know though the struggles I have had over the years with my eating, my relationship with myself and with sugary foods and that I binged. 

The excitement and choice, the deliciousness of flavours and the colours that greet as you stand in the sweetie aisle!...  What to have? It can be bewildering..... That's me when sugar gets a grip on me. The sweetie/chocolate/biscuit aisles have always been a great place for me.  I have the ability to eat a lot of sugary stuff and not feel full or sick.

Until..  One Thursday, I really went for it and it was the first time ever I ate so much I felt physically sick - it was the lowest ever in my bingeing.    What happened on that particular Thursday?  I had had a few healthy days eating (after a bread/carb binge on the saturday) and I was feeling good – I thought I was in 'control' again.  I had a bit of chocolate on the Tuesday and some Cava – celebrating my new car.  Wednesday I ate more bread than normal and had a piece of cake mid bike ride.  Thursday I woke feeling that I needed sugar, I got on with the day and ate well and thought I'd get through the day okay..  Wrong.

I went to a bar/cafe at 2.00pm to meet someone and in the bar was an ice cream parlor.  In my semi-weakened mind I decided to have one – one scoop of dark choc flavour and coconut sorbet (an attempt at being 'healthier').
Day Over.  My day from then onwards comprised of sugar:
2.00pm – 2 scoops ice cream , small latte
4.00pm – 2 x foot long jelly sweets (you know those long thick ones?) while shopping.  In shop almost bought more but didn't until the till – I picked up a small tobelerone, then saw the ice cream shop......  2 scoops in a cone.
5.00pm – to another shop as I had to pick something up.  Into the shop first – buy 4 bars choc – 100g 99% choc, a 50g milk caramel bar, 100g bar white chocolate, and 300g milk choc.
5.30pm waiting to collect my thingy – eaten the caramel bar – go buy 3 more jelly sweet things – eat 2, one of them was yuk so threw it away.... - drive home debating going to the cake shop which I didn't.
6.00pm open red wine start on milk bar
6.45pm decide better have some 'food' – 4 pieces of toast with butter and lemon curd 
7pm onwards continue to drink wine (2/3 bottle) and eat chocolate until only 25g of the milk bar is left (all the dark remains as it is not sweet enough).


I didn't even want a lot of the chocolate but it was there and needed finishing – it kept calling me back to the fridge.  The only reason I stopped was because I started to feel ill. I went to bed, feeling just very very stuffed...

I woke in the night feeling unbelievably thirsty, burped tasting chocolate and was worried if I had a drink I would throw up.  I got back to sleep, only then to wake having a hot flush and still feeling ill.  I did and didn't want to be sick and if I was going to be I didn't want to do it in the bathroom upstairs so I went downstairs and calmed a bit.  I lay on the settee and drifted to sleep – it was 3am.  I woke sweaty, still sicky, went back to sleep, woke again, slept and was woken by my alarm at 7am. I went back upstairs to bed for 2 more hours. I had zero energy and felt like crap. I knew I needed to do something about it so I reached out to friends and made a few changes but it wasn't quite what I needed to really shift.

How did sugar become such a huge thing to me?

As a kid (7 onwards maybe) – my nan always used to buy us 1 pound (money) worth of sweets a week, which we got every saturday.  Now 30+ years ago that was a lot of sweets so I used to take whatever I hadn't eaten to school on a Monday and give them away. It wasn't a big deal for me then.  Pocket money used to be spent in the corner shop on the way home from school – happy days remembering when you used to be able to get 2 sweets for 1p!! and flying saucers that dissolved in your mouth....!!  Woolworths was one of my favourite shops – PICK AND MIX!!!  I can't remember having much 'trouble' with sweets then – I ate a lot of them it seems, but I was a pretty skinny kid so no problems right? 

At home we always had kit kats and penguins, and Sundays was special dessert day, otherwise it was normally arctic roll after dinner.  I was brought up with the 'clean your plate or no dessert' mentality which I don't agree with, but it is what it is.  We always had ribena or cordial to drink – panda pops, and big thrills when we heard the ice-cream van jingle – flake please!!  Writing those few memories opened my eyes up as to why I have such an emotional association with sweets.

We used to do a monthly shop, and the best part was the biscuit aisle – we used to buy at least 10 packets of biscuits to last the month – so that's maybe 2 packs a week between 4 of us (plus the kit kats and penguins remember).  My favourite were custard creams; there were certain biscuits that just got left till the end of the month to be eaten and even though we didn't really like them that much, we of course still ate them! 

I started doing my own cooking at 17ish maybe, when I was at college but lived at home and I think I ate less sweets then – but I also smoked – replacement?...When I quit smoking (at 23 I think) I had a drawer of sweets at work – one addiction to another.   Food and what I ate started to bother me when I realised at 18 I was a 'woman' with more curves than I thought I had (still pretty slim) – I started to become more obsessed with what I ate and how I looked.  Normal for many women and girls really, but who is there to turn to – pro-anorexia websites?  My relationship with food and myself didn't develop further into any eating disorder (which I am grateful for), however my relationship with food and myself was disordered. 

University came – the days of 'crap' cheaper more convenient food, but for me I do now start to recall eating packets of biscuits, not being able to have only 1 or 2 and stopping – maybe a throw over from always eating everything as a kid and also if there was 2 left in a packet they got eaten and eating faster to beat your sister and dad to them!!...  I gained weight, but was not unhappy in my body and didn't think too much about what I ate either although I started to look into vegetarianism from a moralistic view.  I eventually did become a vegetarian when I was in my late 20s.  Post Uni – work – got into the gym and started to follow a higher protein diet as I went to a 'body builders' gym and I was well toned I think – so that controlled my food a bit.  I still don't remember sugar bothering me in the way it did in the last few years.

So when did it all really kick off, or when did I notice?  I lived on my own when I bought my house at 23 and ate relatively well – but there were still those “eat the packet” moments! Or the whole tub of ice-cream, which ok a lot of people do, but that doesn't make it right does it.....  I met a guy, both into foods and sweets and I just went with it -I trained so maintained my weight quite well regardless.  We left the UK in 2001 and then lack of exercise did cause me to gain weight – 13Kg !! WHAT THE....  Once I got back into training it slowly came off but I vowed never to get that big again. Was this the start?  Fella and I split – I moved country again – and then it started to get worse. 

My bingeing really escalated in 2009 years ago when I had a lot of gas and bloating and spacey head feelings, at times I felt very out of whack with life and enthusiasm to get up in the mornings was zero.  I would literally bounce from shop to shop eating chocolate or ice-cream or cake or whatever.  I remember getting off a train once purposefully at the wrong station to find somewhere open for chocolate as I knew it was too late for the shop near home.  Most of the time I honestly felt powerless to stop.  I would get through a 150g bar of chocolate on the train ride home (28mins) and then another one at home, plus whatever else I had bought.  It was a good job I was into endurance sports really, and no I don't think it was because I trained so much that I had the 'problem'.

I went to see someone who diagnosed me as having candida, gave me some herbal remedies to take and said I had to stop ALL sugars for 5 weeks.  ALL sugars – which also means no fruit..... nothing.  I did it though, it was hard at times to plan food and what to eat and when, but I didn't let anything sweet pass into my digestive system at all.  I knew the reason why I was doing it – I had to cure myself.  How did I feel – GREAT.  I actually lost 4kg and that was maybe too light, or maybe that is my natural weight when I eat properly, but I felt great.... I slowly reintroduced fruit – man it tasted strong and sweet and little by little my eating returned to 'normal', I drank again, and I binged again.......

I started reading books about sugar addiction while sitting in a coffee shop drinking a hot chocolate and eating packets of biscuits – I tried to cut it out, I went vegan thinking that would stop it, then gluten free, liver detox, paleo diet – trying to figure out how I could stop this vicious circle I was in....  But what I was really doing was avoiding the issue - it was about me and my self worth and not about the sugar.

It is quite hard to describe what happens and maybe only if you have taken drugs (which I haven't) you'd understand and know what I am going to try to explain.  You feel ‘normal’, then something tips you over the edge -various triggers.  Then this wave comes over you, it is almost out of body. You know where you are and who you are but you are like a stranger looking out of yourself.  You have the first bite and then that's it and you know what you are about to do is really dumb but there seems to be no talking yourself out of it at all.  You know all the facts, and you don't care.  All you care about is getting something sweet and eating it, so you do.  But of course it is not one thing – it takes years to build up to eating a lot and the same with drugs, the more you have the more you need to 'satisfy' you.  Mine has built up over 30 years maybe.  We used to go out for dinner, starter, main course, dessert 1, dessert 2 – that was normal, I was asked at the start of the meal which 2 desserts I would have!!!... The thing is you never really get satisfied, you might feel sick but not satisfied.....

My bingeing episodes continued again– I told a couple of people but it got brushed to one side and what can they do?  One friend watched me mindlessly eat maybe 6 chocolate digestives and she couldn't believe it – she moved them away otherwise I would have had them all.  I have even defrosted something I made because I knew it had chocolate in it and I was desperate. Then the desperation is to have your house rid of it all so you eat it all, or in my case throw a lot away, just as I did as a kid giving it away.   I would get it under control for a period of time then fall into the chocolate vat, research the latest diet and hope that would fix me - which of course it didn’t. 

​The ‘fix’ came when I did work on myself - who I am, how I view myself, how I treat myself and started to like and love me…  


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Nakedness ....

5/23/2017

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Oh my, can I even blog about this I wonder, without some embarrassment on some people's part??  It's not so much on my part anymore, I am getting over the "naked thing", it's taken me a while and I'm now way more confident than I ever ever was in my own bare skin...

If you didn't know I went to Bali at Christmas - my first week was spent on a nudist resort.  Not a huge resort that you might conjure up in your mind, but a smallish place with little bungalows and some small villas, 2 pools, a restaurant, and a bar that pretty much served beer or beer....  It was compulsory to be naked at the pool areas, everywhere else you could be covered up if you wanted to, the beach was behind the resort - once you were outside the walls, clothes applied!!

Why did I want to do this?  Well it started with a card reading by a visiting Shaman who basically turned to me and said (this was back in June last year I think) - "will you please go away for 2-3 weeks, get naked, run around and let the wild woman inside of you out....." - erm ok...!!!

He was right, I had pushed aside my womanliness and femininity for some time and she was screaming to come out and be alive.  I started googling and wondering where to go that wasn't too far away and decided on Bali as I could also do a Swedish massage course too (more semi nakedness) - then a week simply exploring the island.

Off I went to have my Christmas dinner as naked as the day I was born ( but the way it was Thai chicken curry...).

I arrived at the resort and was greeted by the main guy who did most things there really!  He showed me to my super cute bungalow and the minute we walked into it, he dropped his sarong and erm was naked!  Okay here I go I thought, he was so at ease with it that it made it easier for me to do the same  please note easier not easy...

I put my case down, picked up my sarong, took my clothes off and put the sarong around my waist, boobs out; here I go.  As we left my bungalow I met my neighbour, standing nude with a towel over one arm. "Erm Hi.... nice to meet you "!! What else would you say!?  I was shown around and then sat at the cafe and had lunch with my neighbour, my boobs still on show.  It was weird to be honest - he was naked but of course for a guy their bits are under the table! As a woman we are on show - I didn't feel uncomfortable nor did I feel comfy it was somewhere in the middle, more of a 'let's get used to this' feeling...

Lunch over, to the pool - on the lounger, sarong off, sunscreen on - my only covering.  Much easier to lie down than walk about or sit at lunch.  Heaven, sun, chill, all over tan here I come!.

Then came the moment when I needed the toilet - my instinct was to reach for my sarong, but wait I couldn't; naked around the pool. Okay, deep breath, stand up, suck in a bit and walk to the toilet....  Okay not so bad. 

Next came a beer - to the 'bar' where the guys behind are dressed.  This got me as odd throughout my whole stay that a lot of the guys who worked there were clothed. It didn't give me the creeps but I'd have preferred them to be naked too! Another day a wifi guy came to check - same clothed.  I don't think they are going to the resort to perv of course, but there was something that didn't sit totally right with me.


Anyway, beer brought, back to my lounger and chill.  I was a little bit more aware how I moved about and sat - not showing too much off!  

There were 7 other guests at the time maybe mainly men just 2 other women, one on her own who left a few days later and a woman with her boyfriend (they left pretty soon to explore the night life of Kuta).  Of course one looks, and questions ones own shape and form and how different we all are. The woman in the couple I couldn't figure out - she had a voluptuous overall shape yet her stomach was flat and I couldn't see a scar.  It turned out she had lost weight and had a tummy tuck and boob job - and a damn good one I have to say even up close her scars were so neat.  My confusion was at least validated.

So you may be wondering what I thought and looked at with the men - well yes of course the eyes dropped to start with but then it's no big deal - just penises hanging about!  All sizes; all flaccid; all normal really!   Guess I've seen more naked men up close than I have women so I was more intrigued by women's shape than the mens, not to compare myself to them but to be at ease with my own...!  

Time to get ready for dinner - shower, hair wash, and now what to wear!? No need to get dressed up, quite strange really and way nicer in many ways. I decided to tie the sarong around my boobs - it just seemed wrong at dinner!!!  I went with my neighbour and we chatted and got chatting to another guy too and then sat at the bar - more beer and that's pretty much how the week continued.

I trained, swam which was total bliss naked, got a great tan - built a lovely friendship with the two guys - more people came and went and on Christmas Day had a very very silly night which ended at 3am after dancing around the bar area (saronged....).

I loved it, I really did and got more and more used to walking about naked and seeing people for the person not the body.  A very large couple came and they were large.  She kept going to the beach to snorkel and had clothes on - and I will be honest and say I was intrigued what someone so large would look like naked in person (as opposed to seeing on TV).  On her last day she was and what can I say, same shape as every other woman - just more of her, and so what.  I don't advocate being so large; it is unhealthy, but then being too thin isn't healthy either. 

I believe the main thing is being at ease with whatever size you are and doing something about it if you're not happy.


At the end of my stay I had become very close to my neighbour and keep in touch with both the guys I'd made friends with (the other left sooner).  When I left I was close to tears (well ok I did shed a few), having spent 7 days with someone, chatting and being very open about life and loves it was a pull to my heart to be leaving. 

I went to the South East of Bali, fully clothed and wishing I was still naked!  The place I stayed in I was luckily on my own so I could at least wander about and swim naked still, but there was such a peace in the resort!.


Did my 7 days naked accomplish what the shaman had said?  Well no I wasn't a wild woman!, but what I did do was get in touch with my female form in all her glory.  I realised that we are all only skin and bone with organs and other stuff thrown inside and it doesn't make us the person we are.

Do I want to look good in my body - yes, for me because I feel better, more confident but I am not defined by the size of my chest or butt or belly but by who I am and the values I live by. 

Has it made me more confident in my nakedness?  To be simply naked - definitely, to be naked in a sexual sense I am still working on and am closer than ever, the reason being....... a blog will follow!!!


At the end of the day, I learnt so much about myself, my insecurities, my confidence (or lack of) and others.  As a society as a whole we are so concerned about 'exposing' ourselves both physically and as the person we are, for fear of - my main thought is judgement.  Judged we're too fat, thin, hairy, un-proportioned, cellulitey, not hairy enough, whatever it may be - but the only person's opinion we really need to care about is our own.  What we feel for and about ourselves, really no one else's matters.  As a person, to show our deep emotions and vulnerability and fears, why would we do that!!! 
I'm now asking myself why wouldn't I?  We all have them yet we don't want others to know.


Don't get me wrong, I still judge myself more than is useful to - but each time I am naked in front of others or talk my issues out - the less I judge, the more accepting of me I am, the more fun I have and the closer connections I make. There will be some who don't agree with my life choices or the things I like to do and discuss and that's perfect, as long as we don't judge each other for it.  

​As long as I am at peace with myself and my choices  - after all it's my life and my body....



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mahna mahna or phenomenal as i like to sing....

5/16/2017

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​www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFkYhBs5eNc
As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was wondering what to write about.  Many ideas came to mind but none that grabbed me - just lots of words and more words.  So I decided to write the words instead.  

It is semi inspired by a video a friend send me this morning - an artist draws on her lips, cartoon characters and sings, in my techno genius ways I can't find the link to post here...!  So instead the muppet show appears as it always makes me smile...!!!

The end of the orginal clip said "fight boredom, spread happiness", hence why happiness is the first word and the muppets - I like being happy!..

As I went for a short swim, more words came to mind and I'm sure during the day more will.

Some of these words will hold more meaning than others, but I reckon behind each word there is a story from your life to recall.  My request for the day and week is to stop and think about your life experiences, they've made you who you are today, and today my friend you are phenomenal....

Please don't judge or criticise,  the words may switch from an emotion to a state to an adjective - does it matter?....
​
           Happiness             Sadness                  Anger                 Frustration                  
                
          Depression                  Joy                   Sorrow                   Blissful 

            Easy                   Challenging                Confident                 Scared                      

  Fearful                 Jealousy              Bitterness         Resentful           Empowered   

         Difficult             Excited                        Nervous             Ecstatic

      Good              Awkward              Trepidatious            Funny                Awesome

      Brillant                  Phenomenal                        Orgasmic         
  Dominant       

           Tantillising             Hateful                Envious               Paranoid        

 Appreciated            Lonely                      Alone             Wanted          Needed

     Separated             Weird              Worried            Concerned            Nurtured

          Bossy            Creative           Still               Meditative

         Thoughtful             Submissive          Controlled          Manipulated

 Judged         Judging          Accepted                Accepting                Loved            Loving  

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Triathlete to Acrobat....

5/9/2017

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What a physical journey the last 9 weeks have been for me.  I thought I was strong and relatively flexible, all that was proved 'wrong' the minute I started hauling my body up a lyra (hoop), trapeze and silks.  I sat in awe at the girls who don't look externally strong yet they have immense strength as they pull themselves up with grace and beauty and contort themselves around in positions I had no idea if they would be possible for me to do.

I was definitely starting from the bottom.

I decided to do it for something different, to push me physically to what I had been used to and step me out of my comfort zone.  Training for triathlons and then only running was easy in comparison - triathlon was about consistency of training, pushing harder, resting, getting nutrition and race strategy right.  Now I found myself having to remember to point my toes - the ballet class I took as a 5 year old came to mind when I was sure I was pointing my toes but apparently I wasn't. Having to put my hands at certain heights for each movement, to trust my arm strength, to build my arm strength, to figure out how the hell I got my butt over my head and flip myself up - all a mental challenge.  Pilates had given me body awareness and an ability to use deeper strength and it's stood me in good stead so far, but it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

Climbing the silks was a huge fear to overcome, having never liked or been good at climbing ropes as a kid it took a lot of self talk to get up there.  I had to trust my left foot to hold me, after my disc slipped 4 years ago my left foot isn't as strong as the right and here I was climbing up and asking it to please flex and be there for me.  My heart beats faster climbing up to the top which is maybe 25ft, than when I used to do 1 minute sprint intervals.

The lyra was not my favourite in the beginners course, it dug into my legs, was a harder surface to rest on and felt more enclosed than the others. I would have continued with it, when I watch the others somersault themselves around and up - it blows my mind, and yes it digs into them too they simply get over it.!

The trapeze was the piece drew me in, it's like being a big kid at the playground!! It also combines strength with grace but was less complicated (in my mind than the lyra) - the give of the rope in contrast to the hardness of the bar, something about it I love.

Luckily the Saturday morning beginner class became a Trapeze 1 class - but the silks, I wanted to do the silks - I had a fear of them and I wanted to face it. So I find myself at the Aerial Fitness Studio on a Friday night twirling myself round, a Saturday morning swinging about and then Wednesday lunchtimes practising it all to keep it in my movement memory. I love every minute of it as afterwards I wobble on my bike as I pedal away with sore arms (no I'm not cycling with my arms....).

Having taught Pilates for 13 years, I often wondered where Jospeh drew his inspiration from for many of his moves.  Now I know. They are not all for joe blogs on the street or not functional for their lives is a better way to put it maybe.  For someone into the aerial arts however - I finally got it.  I put my work head in action and you'll find me now at work at The Moving Body doing moves in the past I would not have bothered with.  Single leg circles have taken on a new meaning, trying to get my hamstrings to work and hold more than they are used to has left them screaming the next day for a break.  My arms some days don't know what hit them as I try to hang of the Trapeze table by one arm - and I still can't....

I love having a goal, something to train for and embarking on this new hobby has given me that - and the bonus is that I understand deeper the strength that Pilates teaches the body.  Strength, grace, quiet composure, fluidity, control, balance and co-ordination all come together in the air and on the mat.  

I have a new found respect for circus performers, Cirque du Soleil and all the other similar performers out there.  The skill it takes to do what they do to amuse us the audience is worth every penny paid to sit in the crowd in awe.

The physical body never ceases to amaze me, what it is capable of with practise and training and in conjunction with the mind and positive teachers and positive self talk, and a lot of determination, we really can achieve much more than we ever thought ourselves capable of.....
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the Choice of how to live life

5/2/2017

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How to live life?  

Not just to live, but to live a happy, content, fulfilled one? To live the life you "want".  To know what rocks your own world and not be caught up in comparison or judgement or expectations....


Many a time I have my doubts and question the stage I am at, whether I 'should have' more (more what??),  achieved more, been married, had kids (actually I rarely question the kid thing!!), have more savings in my account, a pension scheme, a plan for my future....

The doubts don't happen too often, in general I am quite settled in most parts of my life - but the doubts have crept in the last few days which is a great thing as they inspired this blog!

I love the fact I have hardly any possessions, that all I own is in one room.  Living with 5 others is comfortable; with someone at home most of the time to chat to and a presence in the house -  other times I would love to live on my own - my own space, no one else's shoes or washing up around the place.  If I earned more would I chose to move out and be on my own?  If I lived on my own would my possessions slowly creep up to fill the space?  

Many 'ifs'...  


I wonder if at 45 I ought to have a house somewhere; I sold mine at 28, many others I know by my age have one, maybe 2...  How did they live their life versus how I lived mine - what did I spend my money on instead of saving/investing?  When I look back at the experiences I have had and the journey I have been on, would I exchange them to own a home?

I have been doing the same job for the last 13 years, on the whole I still enjoy it - I work for a studio - should I have set my own up as many clients suggested?.  I have said for years I'll do something with my education notes - slowly I do, very slowly.  Is that my goal in life, what I want to spend my free time doing?  

What is my bliss? What brings me joy and makes me feel fully alive?  


I stopped and started triathlons, then running distance was my goal - then short races, now I'm into aerial arts which I'm thoroughly enjoying.  What suits me as the individual I am today vs 5 years ago is different - accepting that change was not so easy.  I question how much time I wanted to dedicate to training vs other pursuits, regardless if I was good at running - is being 'good' the be all and end all?

I go on dates but nothing serious. Is that how I see my relationship status in the future or do I want to settle with one person?   Some days yes some days no. Is it a product of the people I meet or what I truly want in life?

What makes one person go one way,  another chosing a different route?. 

An entrepreneur versus content to go with the flow,  someone so focussed and dedicated to their work they hardly go out, or for that matter to their sport they train over socialising.  A woman or man who have given up their career to be a parent versus someone who has never wanted children. 

Do we fall into the lives we lead and often can't see a way out as opposed to choosing and saying 'this is the life I want'.... or even saying 'this is my life however it might be and I chose it'...?  What if how life is now is how it will be forever? How does it feel to think that?


Many influences lead us along our path, social media, societal norms, movies, advertising, sit coms -  all influence our thinking in one way or the other.  At the end of the day, we do have a choice. 

The story of Sisyphus comes to mind - chose your life, accept the choices you made, and remember each moment is a new moment in which to chose.  

A big choice we have is how we feel right now in this moment.....

 
I certainly don't have any answers, nor am I looking for them really and I don't know what my next choice will bring me. 

What I do know is that I can chose how I am in and how I feel about my life.  

​Not saying it's always easy -but then again, that's a choice....



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    lisa....

    I have opinions on most things - and I am happy to listen with an open mind, seeing a different view. Please feel free to comment and tell me how it occurs for you..

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