Not just to live, but to live a happy, content, fulfilled one? To live the life you "want". To know what rocks your own world and not be caught up in comparison or judgement or expectations....
Many a time I have my doubts and question the stage I am at, whether I 'should have' more (more what??), achieved more, been married, had kids (actually I rarely question the kid thing!!), have more savings in my account, a pension scheme, a plan for my future....
The doubts don't happen too often, in general I am quite settled in most parts of my life - but the doubts have crept in the last few days which is a great thing as they inspired this blog!
I love the fact I have hardly any possessions, that all I own is in one room. Living with 5 others is comfortable; with someone at home most of the time to chat to and a presence in the house - other times I would love to live on my own - my own space, no one else's shoes or washing up around the place. If I earned more would I chose to move out and be on my own? If I lived on my own would my possessions slowly creep up to fill the space?
I wonder if at 45 I ought to have a house somewhere; I sold mine at 28, many others I know by my age have one, maybe 2... How did they live their life versus how I lived mine - what did I spend my money on instead of saving/investing? When I look back at the experiences I have had and the journey I have been on, would I exchange them to own a home?
I have been doing the same job for the last 13 years, on the whole I still enjoy it - I work for a studio - should I have set my own up as many clients suggested?. I have said for years I'll do something with my education notes - slowly I do, very slowly. Is that my goal in life, what I want to spend my free time doing?
What is my bliss? What brings me joy and makes me feel fully alive?
I stopped and started triathlons, then running distance was my goal - then short races, now I'm into aerial arts which I'm thoroughly enjoying. What suits me as the individual I am today vs 5 years ago is different - accepting that change was not so easy. I question how much time I wanted to dedicate to training vs other pursuits, regardless if I was good at running - is being 'good' the be all and end all?
I go on dates but nothing serious. Is that how I see my relationship status in the future or do I want to settle with one person? Some days yes some days no. Is it a product of the people I meet or what I truly want in life?
What makes one person go one way, another chosing a different route?.
An entrepreneur versus content to go with the flow, someone so focussed and dedicated to their work they hardly go out, or for that matter to their sport they train over socialising. A woman or man who have given up their career to be a parent versus someone who has never wanted children.
Do we fall into the lives we lead and often can't see a way out as opposed to choosing and saying 'this is the life I want'.... or even saying 'this is my life however it might be and I chose it'...? What if how life is now is how it will be forever? How does it feel to think that?
Many influences lead us along our path, social media, societal norms, movies, advertising, sit coms - all influence our thinking in one way or the other. At the end of the day, we do have a choice.
The story of Sisyphus comes to mind - chose your life, accept the choices you made, and remember each moment is a new moment in which to chose.
A big choice we have is how we feel right now in this moment.....
I certainly don't have any answers, nor am I looking for them really and I don't know what my next choice will bring me.
What I do know is that I can chose how I am in and how I feel about my life.
Not saying it's always easy -but then again, that's a choice....