THE LOSS OF A SIBLING.....
MEET KIM
If you would like to know more about me this is the page to read;
it's about the side of me that many don't know, it's easier to pen it than speak it..
Many only know and see the outside - the image, the girl who is independent, who moved about on her own, who did well in triathlons, is great at her job and seems to have it together - who is confident and self sufficient and does her thing.
Doesn't mean that there isn't more behind her............ behind me.
Some see deeper into me, we all can see into each other if we allow ourselves to.
We all have a story to our lives and at times we can forget that about each other.
How we came to be who we are..
What you read below is pivotal in me becoming me.
it's about the side of me that many don't know, it's easier to pen it than speak it..
Many only know and see the outside - the image, the girl who is independent, who moved about on her own, who did well in triathlons, is great at her job and seems to have it together - who is confident and self sufficient and does her thing.
Doesn't mean that there isn't more behind her............ behind me.
Some see deeper into me, we all can see into each other if we allow ourselves to.
We all have a story to our lives and at times we can forget that about each other.
How we came to be who we are..
What you read below is pivotal in me becoming me.
I can be a bit intense, I prefer more 'intimate conversations'; I feel uncomfortable at 'house' parties and in bigger groups preferring small groups (4 people) and deeper conversations. It's not to say I can't have light hearted chats - I can be very silly - I just tend to ask a lot of probing questions.. I listen pretty well - people seem to like to talk, especially in my job - so I learnt to listen more than speak about me.
It is often hard to know how you come across - we're blind to what we don't know. I have a lot of tattoos, my tongue pierced, am fit looking and also my hair style changes and has often made a difference to how I am perceived - green hair.... This outward appearance has pigeon holed me in the past and I have been misunderstood- who hasn't? I can at times make a judgement based on appearance, I now have to awareness to know when I've done it and back track and tune in to more than what my eyes see. How many of us pay more attention to our first physical/visual judgement rather than allowing ourselves to feel the other person - sense their soul. I'm practising tuning in to my gut as opposed to my brain - a change in habit I had formed over the years.
My spiritual and intuitive sides are sides I tend to push away and ignore and I have swept them under the carpet many a time. They have a habit of popping back up again though - what you resist persists - and it persists! I am embracing this side of me as I learn more about me.
I'm not religious but I believe everyone has the right to believe in whatever religion they chose - I think there is a higher power/energy that some call 'God, Allah, the Divine' - it goes by different names. I believe in karma and what goes around comes around. If we all treated each other as we ourselves want to be treated, the world might be a much happier place. It is so easy to get caught up in work/dramas/stresses and start taking ourselves and life too seriously - wanting to be busy, to feel important, swimming against the tide as opposed to going with the flow and enjoy the ride. I still swim upstream - a habit that is being slowly replaced with a new one. I have been on different paths to help me understand and get to know myself. I have been searching for "something" to give me the answers - but I know they are inside me and not outside; it is about looking inside to become 'complete'.
We all have the ability to heal ourselves and be there for each other - and I believe the energy of the universe is there to help us. It would be such an amazing world if we were all content in ourselves, accepted each other and spread positive energy. Makes me think of Imagine by John Lennon.. If we all took a step in that direction, what a world - it starts with each of us and how we show up.
I have had many a conversation with friends about whether other people wonder about life in general, the state of the planet and then about themselves and why they behave in a certain way, what makes us respond the way we do? I don't recall ever reaching a conclusion! Over the years I've learnt more about myself, why I respond to situations the way I do and I have made the effort to change some of my negative behaviours that were serving me no purpose.
I am quite content going along this path and will continue to look into my hows and whys. Along the way I intend to encourage, motivate and inspire people to travel their paths too -some of the journey is not pleasant I will admit, but it's totally worth it.
Pause here and just take a moment to consider what your beliefs are?
What do you live by?
Who do you turn to in times of spiritual need?
How did life as we know it come to be?
How did you end up how and where and who you are?
What are your beliefs?
What holds you back from moving forward in life?
Do you know?
You can stop here by all means - but this last bit is a backtrack to tell you about how I came to be where I am in life.
My life has been pretty "normal" on the whole really - this is my assessment based on a western upbringing; so normal within that context. All I write here is of course from my point of view and how it felt for me growing up. My parents are loving, amazing, mostly supportive people, I didn’t appreciate them as a kid and only as an adult do I see how much they gave me. I think they did a fabulous job of raising me and giving me a strong foundation to life and did the best they knew how to do. Could some things have been different? I’d be lying if i said no, but they did the best they could. In hindsight I think the one thing I would have liked more of is praise at doing a good job - I never felt that I’d done the best I could or enough and that has stuck with me - that little voice inside that says "I'm not enough" " I could have done better" - a worldwide belief it seems.
I think it is good to work to improve but also necessary to sit back and say ‘Job well done!!’ - "yay me!". I (apparently) have high expectations of myself - I say apparently as I am somewhat blind to how high I set my expectations. I am realising that while it is good to have these expectations, if I don't accept compliments and praise myself along the way I continue to live in the world of "not good enough" - and I don't want to. I have been called awkward, difficult to know, stubborn, a pain in the arse, an acquired taste (which was a compliment), unemotional, unpredicatable, ferocious, obtuse and unforgiving to name a few!!!.. All part of being me. Then I have also been told I am loving, caring, giving, vulnerable, supportive, warm, nurturing, motherly and lovely..... There are many sides to me and my being and it is up to me which one I chose to show to the world.
Anyway, my life was "normal" - fights with elder sister - she got to do EVERY thing first, but then she would - she was older!. At the time though, as with any younger sibling maybe, I was jealous and rebelled - alot!... I was quite a good shoplifter at 13, started smoking at 14, took alcohol from my parents 'home bar' when I went on a school trip - all to get attention I think - maybe that’s a reason behind my tattoos?. I didn’t like my sister much - she was the 'nicer' one, the 'smarter' one and so on - not the reality but to my 14 year old eyes it was.
Then she died.
My world stopped turning.
The real world didn't though.
She had asthma from birth and one weekend she had an attack that she never recovered from. I’m not going to go into the ins and outs any more than that - as a family we made it through possibly by not talking about it much until I was older. I used to cry myself to sleep, not wanting to share my pain with my parents and not knowing where else to turn. I learnt to hide my emotions and keep them to myself.
A number of things shifted in me.
Firstly I decided God couldn’t exist. I hadn’t been brought up religious, but after she died there was no way he could be real - I believed I should have been the one to die - I was not a nice teenager, I was bitchy, said hurtful things; on purpose and didn’t deserve to live!. This underlying belief stayed with me for close to 30 years. I got on with life as an angry 14 year old hoping (finally) that the world around me would pay attention to me - it didn’t, the world carried on regardless.....
I was pretty guilty for quite a while - I wanted her to die so I was the only one and got all the attention. After she died I used to go into her room at night and say sorry and hello/goodnight. I tried to be a nicer person, realised life is too short to say ‘goodbye’ on bad words, but I had already got the reputation I had so it was hard to change that until I moved school. Which I did - but I still struggled to 'fit in' and find my ‘place’. Starting college and then university were also a challenge for me in that way more than any other, as I’m sure it is for many reading this, and many who won’t read this. I didn't really know who I was - had lost my grounding in life and was very uncertain how to be.
I was angry, at most things -actually at everything and everyone some days. Why were people happy? I was angry at those who still had their siblings, and those who disliked their siblings really felt my wrath. I was mad at a god that I didn't believe existed, and anything else that crossed my path. I know now it was a way to not feel sad.
A lot of my emotions were because I didn’t know who I was, I was lost - I tried to change to fit in - change me to suit them and as opposed to be me and accepted. I just wanted to be liked. I made some friends and college and University were ok although I didn’t academically achieve what I was fully capable of and I failed my second year of University. My excuse was because I joined the OTC - Officer Training Corps in my second year, but plenty others in it passed! I loved it, running round a field with a gun with others who felt the same and I sort of fitted however I didn’t study enough.
I ended up moving home to live with my parents (difficult) and eventually got a full time job in my home town, I bought a house at 23 and settled down into a more 'responsible' way of life. I got closer to my mum and dad, established ‘me’ a bit more and met some great friends through work and the gym and was pretty happy! I remember driving home even back then and be surprised that people liked me - it was weird. Work was good and I loved my job but then a number of changes in management changed that and I decided to quit after being there for 6 years. I had a month off with stress as I was quite unsettled by it all and in that time I made a decision to go travelling and do some volunteer work.
I made my plans then BAM met a man, fell in love, changed my plans to be with him and we left to travel together. We argued heaps, I lost ‘me’ - I changed to be who I thought he wanted me to be, and forgot to be who I was - 3 1/2 years later we split. I was left totally unsure again who I was. I had compromised so much of me in the relationship (as alot of women do). He was a bit of an emotional bully, possessive and dominated me - which surprises those who know me. Again my desire to be loved overcame my logic and sense of self. I stopped meditating, wore clothes he liked as opposed to what I really liked, stopped having tattoos, stopped debating/discussing things with people as he thought I was being argumentative and worst of all I lost a couple of good friends along the way......
So when the relationship ended I had no idea who I was - that was in 2004 and it was only 5 years later in 2009/10 that I began to re-establish who I was. I have had counselling (when I was 21) and life coaching as well as other healing sessions to help me understand my behaviour and come to terms with what has happened in my life to date. Along the way I have met some amazing people, learnt so much about human nature and how similar we all are and grown into myself.
In 2013 I slipped a disc in my lower back, a pretty common area. I had to go back to physical basics. I had been a pretty decent runner and triathlete until the end of 2012, I then took some time out and my back "gave up" on me. I rehabbed myself, missed a few steps out but got back to decent movement again. What did it teach me? The body reflects life - my body reflected that I wasn't standing up for myself - for me and who I am - taking my place in this world and being heard. My back has held up since - it still gives me the occasional reminder which is scary but I know now how I need to train to ensure I stay strong, and how I need to live my life to be me.
I completed the AisaWorks training in 2015 - a big wake up call to my continued anger. Through the ups and downs of the leadership program, I was propelled into action and continued to study Newfield Coaching. I am truly coming into my own and learning once more to trust myself and my instincts. Whatever each of us has been through in life - none of our experiences are worse or better or more or less painful - they are what they are to us. What I've realised along the way is that:
It is the choices we make about these experiences; whether we chose to react or act and change.
I am choosing to speak out - via this site and in general. When I voice my opinions, I aim to voice them in a calm, open way, allowing others to feel they can say otherwise; a lesson learnt from being very opinionated in my youth. I am saying more what I think and feel believe it is important we all say our piece, now I'm practising HOW to say it.
It takes a lot of bravery for me to do this, inside at times my heart feels like it is bouncing off my rib cage - but I know every time I do it and am courageous, it will get easier. I slip back into my old patterns at times, and I can sense it now and decide how I want to be and that in itself is a huge step forward.
I hope that helps a little to understand why F-Cubed and speaking out about who we are and what we stand for is so important to me - it is part of my journey to get in touch with my higher self along my healing process - who I am and what I stand for. If I can help others along the way then even better and I am certain I will receive more help from currently unknown sources and I look forward to it!
A great quote to live by......
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's."
More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...
look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.
It is often hard to know how you come across - we're blind to what we don't know. I have a lot of tattoos, my tongue pierced, am fit looking and also my hair style changes and has often made a difference to how I am perceived - green hair.... This outward appearance has pigeon holed me in the past and I have been misunderstood- who hasn't? I can at times make a judgement based on appearance, I now have to awareness to know when I've done it and back track and tune in to more than what my eyes see. How many of us pay more attention to our first physical/visual judgement rather than allowing ourselves to feel the other person - sense their soul. I'm practising tuning in to my gut as opposed to my brain - a change in habit I had formed over the years.
My spiritual and intuitive sides are sides I tend to push away and ignore and I have swept them under the carpet many a time. They have a habit of popping back up again though - what you resist persists - and it persists! I am embracing this side of me as I learn more about me.
I'm not religious but I believe everyone has the right to believe in whatever religion they chose - I think there is a higher power/energy that some call 'God, Allah, the Divine' - it goes by different names. I believe in karma and what goes around comes around. If we all treated each other as we ourselves want to be treated, the world might be a much happier place. It is so easy to get caught up in work/dramas/stresses and start taking ourselves and life too seriously - wanting to be busy, to feel important, swimming against the tide as opposed to going with the flow and enjoy the ride. I still swim upstream - a habit that is being slowly replaced with a new one. I have been on different paths to help me understand and get to know myself. I have been searching for "something" to give me the answers - but I know they are inside me and not outside; it is about looking inside to become 'complete'.
We all have the ability to heal ourselves and be there for each other - and I believe the energy of the universe is there to help us. It would be such an amazing world if we were all content in ourselves, accepted each other and spread positive energy. Makes me think of Imagine by John Lennon.. If we all took a step in that direction, what a world - it starts with each of us and how we show up.
I have had many a conversation with friends about whether other people wonder about life in general, the state of the planet and then about themselves and why they behave in a certain way, what makes us respond the way we do? I don't recall ever reaching a conclusion! Over the years I've learnt more about myself, why I respond to situations the way I do and I have made the effort to change some of my negative behaviours that were serving me no purpose.
I am quite content going along this path and will continue to look into my hows and whys. Along the way I intend to encourage, motivate and inspire people to travel their paths too -some of the journey is not pleasant I will admit, but it's totally worth it.
Pause here and just take a moment to consider what your beliefs are?
What do you live by?
Who do you turn to in times of spiritual need?
How did life as we know it come to be?
How did you end up how and where and who you are?
What are your beliefs?
What holds you back from moving forward in life?
Do you know?
You can stop here by all means - but this last bit is a backtrack to tell you about how I came to be where I am in life.
My life has been pretty "normal" on the whole really - this is my assessment based on a western upbringing; so normal within that context. All I write here is of course from my point of view and how it felt for me growing up. My parents are loving, amazing, mostly supportive people, I didn’t appreciate them as a kid and only as an adult do I see how much they gave me. I think they did a fabulous job of raising me and giving me a strong foundation to life and did the best they knew how to do. Could some things have been different? I’d be lying if i said no, but they did the best they could. In hindsight I think the one thing I would have liked more of is praise at doing a good job - I never felt that I’d done the best I could or enough and that has stuck with me - that little voice inside that says "I'm not enough" " I could have done better" - a worldwide belief it seems.
I think it is good to work to improve but also necessary to sit back and say ‘Job well done!!’ - "yay me!". I (apparently) have high expectations of myself - I say apparently as I am somewhat blind to how high I set my expectations. I am realising that while it is good to have these expectations, if I don't accept compliments and praise myself along the way I continue to live in the world of "not good enough" - and I don't want to. I have been called awkward, difficult to know, stubborn, a pain in the arse, an acquired taste (which was a compliment), unemotional, unpredicatable, ferocious, obtuse and unforgiving to name a few!!!.. All part of being me. Then I have also been told I am loving, caring, giving, vulnerable, supportive, warm, nurturing, motherly and lovely..... There are many sides to me and my being and it is up to me which one I chose to show to the world.
Anyway, my life was "normal" - fights with elder sister - she got to do EVERY thing first, but then she would - she was older!. At the time though, as with any younger sibling maybe, I was jealous and rebelled - alot!... I was quite a good shoplifter at 13, started smoking at 14, took alcohol from my parents 'home bar' when I went on a school trip - all to get attention I think - maybe that’s a reason behind my tattoos?. I didn’t like my sister much - she was the 'nicer' one, the 'smarter' one and so on - not the reality but to my 14 year old eyes it was.
Then she died.
My world stopped turning.
The real world didn't though.
She had asthma from birth and one weekend she had an attack that she never recovered from. I’m not going to go into the ins and outs any more than that - as a family we made it through possibly by not talking about it much until I was older. I used to cry myself to sleep, not wanting to share my pain with my parents and not knowing where else to turn. I learnt to hide my emotions and keep them to myself.
A number of things shifted in me.
Firstly I decided God couldn’t exist. I hadn’t been brought up religious, but after she died there was no way he could be real - I believed I should have been the one to die - I was not a nice teenager, I was bitchy, said hurtful things; on purpose and didn’t deserve to live!. This underlying belief stayed with me for close to 30 years. I got on with life as an angry 14 year old hoping (finally) that the world around me would pay attention to me - it didn’t, the world carried on regardless.....
I was pretty guilty for quite a while - I wanted her to die so I was the only one and got all the attention. After she died I used to go into her room at night and say sorry and hello/goodnight. I tried to be a nicer person, realised life is too short to say ‘goodbye’ on bad words, but I had already got the reputation I had so it was hard to change that until I moved school. Which I did - but I still struggled to 'fit in' and find my ‘place’. Starting college and then university were also a challenge for me in that way more than any other, as I’m sure it is for many reading this, and many who won’t read this. I didn't really know who I was - had lost my grounding in life and was very uncertain how to be.
I was angry, at most things -actually at everything and everyone some days. Why were people happy? I was angry at those who still had their siblings, and those who disliked their siblings really felt my wrath. I was mad at a god that I didn't believe existed, and anything else that crossed my path. I know now it was a way to not feel sad.
A lot of my emotions were because I didn’t know who I was, I was lost - I tried to change to fit in - change me to suit them and as opposed to be me and accepted. I just wanted to be liked. I made some friends and college and University were ok although I didn’t academically achieve what I was fully capable of and I failed my second year of University. My excuse was because I joined the OTC - Officer Training Corps in my second year, but plenty others in it passed! I loved it, running round a field with a gun with others who felt the same and I sort of fitted however I didn’t study enough.
I ended up moving home to live with my parents (difficult) and eventually got a full time job in my home town, I bought a house at 23 and settled down into a more 'responsible' way of life. I got closer to my mum and dad, established ‘me’ a bit more and met some great friends through work and the gym and was pretty happy! I remember driving home even back then and be surprised that people liked me - it was weird. Work was good and I loved my job but then a number of changes in management changed that and I decided to quit after being there for 6 years. I had a month off with stress as I was quite unsettled by it all and in that time I made a decision to go travelling and do some volunteer work.
I made my plans then BAM met a man, fell in love, changed my plans to be with him and we left to travel together. We argued heaps, I lost ‘me’ - I changed to be who I thought he wanted me to be, and forgot to be who I was - 3 1/2 years later we split. I was left totally unsure again who I was. I had compromised so much of me in the relationship (as alot of women do). He was a bit of an emotional bully, possessive and dominated me - which surprises those who know me. Again my desire to be loved overcame my logic and sense of self. I stopped meditating, wore clothes he liked as opposed to what I really liked, stopped having tattoos, stopped debating/discussing things with people as he thought I was being argumentative and worst of all I lost a couple of good friends along the way......
So when the relationship ended I had no idea who I was - that was in 2004 and it was only 5 years later in 2009/10 that I began to re-establish who I was. I have had counselling (when I was 21) and life coaching as well as other healing sessions to help me understand my behaviour and come to terms with what has happened in my life to date. Along the way I have met some amazing people, learnt so much about human nature and how similar we all are and grown into myself.
In 2013 I slipped a disc in my lower back, a pretty common area. I had to go back to physical basics. I had been a pretty decent runner and triathlete until the end of 2012, I then took some time out and my back "gave up" on me. I rehabbed myself, missed a few steps out but got back to decent movement again. What did it teach me? The body reflects life - my body reflected that I wasn't standing up for myself - for me and who I am - taking my place in this world and being heard. My back has held up since - it still gives me the occasional reminder which is scary but I know now how I need to train to ensure I stay strong, and how I need to live my life to be me.
I completed the AisaWorks training in 2015 - a big wake up call to my continued anger. Through the ups and downs of the leadership program, I was propelled into action and continued to study Newfield Coaching. I am truly coming into my own and learning once more to trust myself and my instincts. Whatever each of us has been through in life - none of our experiences are worse or better or more or less painful - they are what they are to us. What I've realised along the way is that:
It is the choices we make about these experiences; whether we chose to react or act and change.
I am choosing to speak out - via this site and in general. When I voice my opinions, I aim to voice them in a calm, open way, allowing others to feel they can say otherwise; a lesson learnt from being very opinionated in my youth. I am saying more what I think and feel believe it is important we all say our piece, now I'm practising HOW to say it.
It takes a lot of bravery for me to do this, inside at times my heart feels like it is bouncing off my rib cage - but I know every time I do it and am courageous, it will get easier. I slip back into my old patterns at times, and I can sense it now and decide how I want to be and that in itself is a huge step forward.
I hope that helps a little to understand why F-Cubed and speaking out about who we are and what we stand for is so important to me - it is part of my journey to get in touch with my higher self along my healing process - who I am and what I stand for. If I can help others along the way then even better and I am certain I will receive more help from currently unknown sources and I look forward to it!
A great quote to live by......
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's."
More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...
look at it and really see it, live it and never give it back.