I didn't know what to blog about the last few weeks.

Thoughts have come and gone.

Time has come and gone.

And a friend has gone.

I read an email 15 minutes ago from the partner of a lovely lovely lady I met when I worked in Hong Kong - that was over 14 years ago.  She came seeking a Pilates trainer and there I was.

There are some people in this world who light up your world and she was one of them.

She was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma 5 years ago. 

I received the email with the subject 'Laura' and a happiness came over me that I was hearing from her after a while,  sadly it wasn't - it was to say she had passed away.

It so often is the death of someone that reminds us to live and all those cliches come to mind and then we forget again after a while.  How to keep that alive in us?  That we do only get one shot on this planet?  and that life can be short.... We cannot live without dying.

In memory of Laura

Thank you for being in this world and for being a part of mine, for being the love filled and joyful lady that you were and in your death for reminding me to go 'fuck' it and go for things...

May her life and her death also inspire you.

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You know those days when things just don’t go right….  You’re in an odd mood but can't figure out why, you feel like you’re riding a bike on a wheel that’s not quite true - all wibbly wobbly, a few spokes missing maybe??

I get those days, not as often as I have in the past, but I still get them and I’ve learnt to ride in a wonky line for a while!  Along the way I think I often say the wrong thing, ring my bell at the wrong person, take a few wrong turns but I don’t think I’ve knocked anyone over…. and I’m not planning to.

So what happens - why does my wheel go off whack? Why does the gremlin voice I can keep at bay sometimes seem to be able to infiltrate my mind and speak in volumes way louder than normal!!

What’s that all about!!….

The biggest thing that happens to me when I’m all wonky is the way I judge others and have way high expectations - which really is a reflection of what I am doing to myself… Judging myself and often quite harshly!  As a wellbeing coach and pilates trainer, I often feel that I am expected to be holier than thou, which let’s face it is not realistic and to my thinking,  living that way leads to a slightly dull life - but that is me.

My definition of a balanced life is possibly not the same as yours and hey that’s FAB!!  We can all have our own definition of what being well means to us and for me it’s going off centre, being wobbly, going to the extreme, knowing I’m there and then heading back on the straight and narrow.
Often the last few years, I’ve realised I like being off centre - not so much I go to the “judgey place” I don’t like it there, but skewing my see saw to one end sometimes - it can be devilishly fun!!

For work I've looked into “wellbeing’ - rather than wellness : quote -   “Wellbeing embraces more than just physical health. It takes into account the entire person, both body and mind, and not merely by the “absence of illness.” Its approach to “health” includes the presence of positive mental states, emotions, and moods. The absence of illness/disease is not wellbeing, you may have good physical health but to be well we also need to consider other factors.

There’s differing definitions on the amount of other factors, some say 6, some 7, some 8 - I settled on 6 dimensions of well being:  physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, environmental and social.  Quote : These dimensions mean give us other others to consider in our lives and not just the physical aspect for example to be present in as many moments as possible, have close relationships and be in good overall health of body, mind and spirit. All these areas lead us to living our lives to the fullest.

Easy right!…

I wish it was that easy, life has a habit of “throwing" so many things at us we can easily let one or two areas slide ….
I’ve kinda figured out when one or two (maybe 3) of my 6 spokes have gone a bit awry… What happens - well it’s not quite as obvious as the Hulk, I don’t turn green - but I do get short tempered, grumpy, judgemental and a little bit paranoid - the feelings of not being good enough creep up.  You know that voice yeah?…

What do I do?

Have a glass of wine…. Yes I am serious, that is often what I do, sometimes even a sneaky cigarette .. When I want more cigarettes I know I am way off whack….

After I’ve chilled, I stop and consider what has been happening, what was I not paying attention to and hopefully I can rebalance myself.  My wheel is wonky and I am weaving about - the more wonky the more weaving (and more wine…)

My remedy is usually to get a good nights sleep, if I lose too much sleep for a few nights in a row I’m not good!  If I don't train in some way or other, eat too much (in particular high carb foods) - same…. If I don’t take time for myself, go into nature and be away from people or draw - I’m sooooooo not good! And if I do all these things at the same time - I’d recommend staying away from me - I might turn green!

Over time I’ve figured myself out more and more and whilst feeling when I am off balance is a big part of keeping my sanity the BIGGER part is in knowing it is okay to be off balance, notice it and go “oh I’m wonky”.….

We are so good at berating ourselves, thinking we must be perfect, posting all the good shit on Facebook when really inside we are feeling shit but don't feel we can say it out loud to anyone let alone to ourselves.

I think it takes balls to put our hands up and go “I’m having a hard time - I’m outta whack and I need some help, time, conversation, love and hugs so I can re-balance”…. I’ve learnt that calling / messaging a friend and just saying what is going on and how I’m feeling lightens my load and stops me hitting the curb….

Then I carry on a while in my now less wavy way and maybe I end up going straight for a wee while before the next time.
A life of being well and wellbeing doesn’t mean our wheel is always true, it means that we can notice when it’s not, have an occasional trip down the whacky path and enjoy the topsy turvy ride of life.!!…
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Many a photo all telling a story of their own,  please enjoy...

26 days day away from Bawah. 

When I realised I had that much time off it seemed a bit unreal, I was happy of course so I began the process of planning who and what to see and where.

I’m not intending to make this blog a travelog, I sit and write back now on Bawah, having been warmly greeted by staff and generally looking forward to getting back into what I call my “normal life”. Life living on an island isn’t really normal that’s for sure and before I went I was very ready to go and see friends and family and immerse myself in European culture and cities.

From Singapore to UK to Poland (Auschwitz) to Vienna to Zurich (some work) to Prague - all different and yet similar.  The ease of conversation with friends not seen for a while, the hugs with parents, trying new food, being in typical drizzly weather, meeting new people, sitting in crowded bars and cafes people watching and drinking local beer. For 2 1/2 weeks everything was quite new, I learnt some history, felt the dark side of human nature, and realised how much being in  similar cultures to my own was like putting on a good old pair of comfy shoes.

I loved it.

Then I find myself back on Bawah in a culture that is quite different, but one that has captured my heart. The small community we have on Bawah is beautiful, there are of course clashes in personality, gossip, tension sometimes, disagreements but at the end of the day we all come together for the Reserve and the guests.

As I arrived, chef is ready to leave, his year on Bawah completed and him and his family are ready to move on back to his home for a while, It’s both sad and happy. In the time I have been here a few people have come and gone and for those who have been here for sometime and I have got to know them more, a piece of my heart goes with them.  

And I get the need to leave, I’m not ready to just yet but before this break I felt lonely, I missed being able to speak to loved ones easily - the time difference and wifi make it a challenge.  I missed being able to sit in an environment that wasn’t my work place and talk about stuff other than work to people who have some shared culture.

But then as I sat on the plane and we did the island fly by, tears come gently to my eyes and the magic of these islands reminds me that it’s okay to miss things, it shows me how much I care for them, what I do is simply a matter of how much I miss them...

I unpack, do lots of "hellos" and go to sit in my familiar place in the library.   Lunch.

That feeling of "was I ever really away" lingers but this time it's not as strong as I’ve felt before, I know I’ve been away,
I feel it in my heart and being and I feel a little tender/raw coming back.  That’s not to say I don't want to be here but there’s an ache for the time I had away.  It will pass I know, I hope - if it doesn't I have some questioning to do....

As the plane left with those departing, I was asked “Lisa, where is home?”…​

Wherever I am and wherever I am heading to, that’s home - home is my heart, my heart is my home.

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