Reading this you might think I am ungrateful for where I live now, please I am not.... As I sat and watched the most stunning sunset, that lit the sky from east to west, many things came into my mind about life, dreams and where to be in the world.
Being single and relatively possessionless is both a blessing and a curse. It means I can go most places, money, visa and work permitting and it also means I can go most places, money, visa and work permitting.....
So where does one go?
And it’s not just that, it’s working with your bliss and I know for many that isn’t possible - bills, family etc - but without them I find myself sitting in the question of what is my bliss, what is it I can offer to the world?
A guest here recently emailed to say what a magical time she had had here and part of that was also because of me, my energy, our conversations. Even after all the work I have done on myself to date I still find it hard to accept - me? Really? Is that maybe the same for all of us though? It can’t only be me that struggles with accepting themselves fully??
My passion over the years changed. When I started teaching pilates I read almost anything and everything I could get my hands on and I soaked it up.. Much of that reading still remains in my brain, but the passion at some point diminished.
I wonder if it was the environment I found myself in, or simply that I had changed, would that passion be sparked again if it was my own place that I taught in?
Honestly, I don’t think so - I do still enjoy training people and when I have a puzzle to solve, an injury to deal with then I love it the most. I love talking to people and finding things out about them and getting in to coaching conversations, asking the questions that I ask myself.,,
But then, when I draw I can easily get lost in the patterns, in the feel of the pen on the paper and how slowly it emerges and takes shape. As a friend pointed out - this doesn’t pay the rent though!! Would I love it so much if I depended on it to make my living.
Then the more I learn about the environment the more I want to run off and join conservation groups and get hands on and get down and get dirty... Not sure this is the solution either, so I sit from afar, am involved in the Bawah Anambas Foundation and as you know from my last blog and working on my own thing with Pulau Medang...
Where does this rambling lead me?? Well I feel better for having written it, for voicing out what is going on in my thoughts... Sharing and wondering if others out there are holding similar ponderances in their minds.
I live on a beautiful island, with some truly lovely people, have seen the most stunning sun rise and sets, met people from around the world, all with stories to tell... and for now it is home. Where I ultimately end up will become clear over time and contemplation.
My priority now is to look in to me.... Intimacy starting with myself, and what I feel I can and also want to offer to the world. Self work for me is part of life and something that I will always do, as someone said to me once “I bet it is never a dull moment in your head...”. And they were so right, it isn’t dull in my mind - it is calmly chaotic, randomly organised and a very pleasant place to be....