As I moved this morning I kept the thought in my mind for what I needed to let go of – guilt / anger / frustration / expectation have all come up in the past. Expectations was an interesting one, expectations I place on myself as well as those I have of people around me – especially my parents.
As I write this I realise how much of what came up today links to those expectations – my contemplation this morning was how hard it can be to change. It feels weird like wearing clothes that aren’t yours, a size too big or small maybe and you need to go to the tailor to get it altered. Except the tailor is you and you are the only person that can do the stitching and it takes time – for me it seems to take ages (patience another lesson…). I seem to be able to do some alterations, then it comes undone a bit and it’s drafty which makes me realise so I can redo it and so on!!...
Over time, less stitches get dropped and the new suit seems to fit better, more comfy and it feels good!. YAY…
Then you meet or have a conversation with someone you haven’t seen a while or you return to your parents home after not being with them longer than 5 days for a while...
Here’s the thing, my thing. I have worked on changing me and I have, what came to me this morning is that those who have not been part of that journey with you, don’t necessarily realise it and they still see and treat you as you used to be.
I guess the change is also not always easy for them either to take on board.
That’s when it hit me as I started writing this - I am doing the exact same thing to my parents, holding them in how I knew them years ago (actually it was 2012 when I lived with them last time) – who they were then, their lifestyle, capabilities, desires, conversations they may or may not want to have and also holding them to what I want them to be, which is not necessarily who they are.
Not conducive to a good relationship.
It could be easy for me to slip back into how I used to be with them (at times a very moody and antagonist adult child – and yes she has surfaced a few times in the last 5 weeks…), we all know that me and are used to it, but it doesn’t make for a pleasant environment. But that’s not the me I want to be anymore so this is a “test” for me to be able to be grounded in who I have grown into and who I want to be and not slip back into that child when triggered.... Also there is some guilt when I don’t behave how I think I ought to, to be the dutiful daughter – my expectation not theirs….. It is a balancing act and a great space to open into and learn about people as well as self.
My parents have changed as they age in their needs and wants and their ability to hear me when I talk!! That is now really physical not an excuse! They are content with a way of life I don’t think I’ll want to have even in 30 years, but maybe that is what will happen. But who am I to judge them or put unfair expectations on them, expectations that they don’t even know I have – or anyone else for that matter!!! And that reflects on me – the expectations of myself, boundaries I set – that need to be communicated if it involves others and allowing me to be me that is now and learning how others are now – not who they used to be, or what they did or what they believed in.
We all have seams we’ve sown up and undone and stitched up a new way, a new colour, a different thread pattern and it is opening up to that that can be the first challenge and then accepting the new.
The world is changing and so are we.
Life as we know it is coming undone – we now have a choice of what we leave undone, what we sew back up the same and what we chose to do differently.
The needle is our hands, each and every one of us.
Our freedom to go out may be removed from us, but we are still free inside, inside our minds and in our conversations – that has not been taken away, so let’s use it wisely to decide the tapestry of life we can now create…