I don’t know about anyone else but I find myself looking back at 2017 and the lessons I learnt, things I discovered about myself and the world about me and how do I want to be in the coming years….
There was a quote that went:
2016 : caterpillar.
2017 : cocoon
2018 : butterfly (hence the video)...
Time to open the wings and fly and be all we all can be….
If you’re not in the mood to read all I've written, it's okay - here’s a weeeeeee summary of what I learnt last year.
1. I started reading the news again, big step as it doesn’t get me down like it used to - I can read the news and not get pissed off!!!!.
2. I went vegetarian again, my way of helping the planet and it sits right with my morals regarding factory farming - as much as I like the taste of meat, my morals weren't happy with me and that was more important.
3. Stepping into and accepting my femininity !!! I know big one for me, as well as modelling through which I saw myself in a very different light. If you wondered, I wasn't accepting this side of me hence why it was a great part of 2017.
4. Love - loving myself and stating (out loud…) that I do want to be in a relationship really!! - I know!!! Big one huh?
5. I started drawing more again and came up with hearts and flowers. Still a work in progress but I put my art out there! I may not be the best artist but I am an artist and I allowed myself to be open to feedback ( not just about art). Total respect for artists (including singers, musicians, writers) who make a living from it, you have to be thick skinned!!
6. Blogging and video blog - I’m pretty sure I’ve been consistent this year and then started my videoing movement - wooohooo, got used to seeing me on camera something I was a bit ugh about! I've enjoyed way more than I thought I would!! and even embracing technology!
7. Life and future…..what do I care about for my life and the world. I’ve asked this one a lot over the past years, 2017 brought me to realising a few things including some of the above.....
These were in no order, just how it came out my mind into my fingers...
Here's all the words if you care to read more and I'd encourage you if I may to do the same - I think it's easy to forget what we have learnt and achieved through our lives and how we change over the years, Doing this helped me see that I have come on in myself, how I approach life, where I want to go and where I am now - was pretty awesome and motivating.....
2017 was a year that I started getting interested in the world again and I began to read the news. I am the proud opener of 4 news apps in an aim to get the most unbiased version possible. I don’t read it every day, maybe every 3 days - which is way more than I’ve done for the last 15 years.
Why did I do this?
It came from a few comments from friends, broadening my horizons to engage in conversations and also how can I be a citizen of the world if I have no idea what is going on anywhere.
I stopped reading it about 20 years ago as I found it depressing, and I would get angry about the state of the world. Now I don’t - a huge step forward for me, I can read it now and go “okay so that is the state of the world and what is happening” - not “ I need to fix this, what can I do….?”. I’d still love the world to be a safer more connected place than it is - getting frustrated doesn’t help do that and all I can do is be part of where I am living…
From numerous documentaries recommended and happened across, my eyes have also been opened to how the political and religious worlds work - and in my mind how they are kinda full of BS. I used to think money was evil - I know it’s not now at all, some people are evil and they can be poor or rich. There are people in the world who are, on the whole, in it for their own gain at the detriment of others, it is our life and only we can live it, but not to purposefully or knowingly cause harm to another living being….. enough of that, but a change in mindset to money and the way to live has brought me new conclusions.
I decided to go veggie again - similar reasoning to the above, harming others… If we kept and killed animals humanely - no problem, but we don’t and until we do I will abstain from eating them. Milk but mainly cheese are under consideration - but my values don’t allow me to be part of an agricultural system that does what it does. Not going into that any more than that - feel free to watch many of the documentaries out there.
Being Feminine and love.
I also stepped into my feminity, something I had avoided - being ‘girlie’ was my idea of being feminine. Then I met up with some guys who helped me see myself differently and one said I ought to model (semi-nudes) and my immediate was no way, then why not. I did and I love it and it’s really helped me see myself in a new sexy, feminine way. As with many of us I’ve not always liked the way I look and am great at criticising myself - yet I also know that I have a nice shape to my body and I’m attractive… the demon voices of not good enough! The modelling, wearing make up again, putting on high heels and nice lingerie (not all the time - I still love my scruffs and bare face!!) - and making that bit more of an effort have given me a new confidence in me as a woman. I know that might sound odd but it’s the best way I can explain it. Allowing a guy to open the door for me, yes it used to irk me - I am quite capable of opening doors for f***s sake - but now I like it. I realised it doesn’t mean I can’t still be assertive, hold my own opinions, be heard and stand up for myself - I can be that and be feminine - how cool…
I also admitted to myself that I do want to be in a relationship, at my friend’s wedding the realisation became more real. That’s not to say I’m not ok on my own, I get lonely but then you can be lonely in togetherness, but to share things with someone would be rather nice! I have gone yes, no, yes, no over the years - fear of rejection, not finding someone, losing myself (which I allowed to happen in the past) - all I guess held me back from admitting the truth to myself. I now sit in the space of yes, it would be lovely but I am not going to focus my attention on finding “the one” - the focus is on me being enough in my life and then well, we’ll see who shows up to join me!!!
Both of these were huge for me to realise and say out loud and now to blog about. I was watching Brene Brown’s talk on vulnerability - a word I didn’t even use to like to say!! How far I’ve come in the last year to 18 months…
I picked up my pencils again… Hearts and flowers came about and will continue here and there. It gives me the creative break that recharges me. I had forgotten how much I loved to draw and colour and create and how it calms me… I also realise how much it takes to be an artist and have utmost respect for those who do it in all its forms - even those I really don’t get.
And to those who start businesses - it takes a lot of effort and work and years to build a business, if the passion and desire weren’t there then it’ll never happen. My art will tick over for the time being as it is hobby passion, and I have something in the pipeline to put out there soon….
Blog and writing
I have pretty consistently blogged and started my video blog too - a scary one to video me and movement and put it out there! It’s been fun, more than I thought it was going to be! I also got in to gear working on all the movement notes and ideas I have to create an online course of some description that is still in the making.. Lots to do on it that needs help from others and that’s the 2018 focus - yay I started to get focussed!!!
Where and doing what and who with.
The biggest questions I asked myself last year were what am I doing in life…. where am I going and what do I want. I had a coach for a few months to help me get to grips with my want and I got closer to the end goal… When that will be I don’t know, but I Iearned more about me and what’s important. Being away over Christmas, I realised that it is who you know that matters, not the where in the world really. Each country and continent has its pros and cons - but the people in our lives make the difference.
I sat and thought about my life here in Singapore and it’s a pretty damn good one and I am forming deeper friendships and meeting more and more interesting people with similar values. It is up to me to make the effort to form the friendships that I want - all relationships take work.
I settled in 2017 into the studio more and have a great set of clients, I really do and I value that!.
However something was lacking overall for me though, was it the job, country, not enough close friends?
No it was (is) me - all about me and how I see things.
Isn’t it always.!!!!
What lacked wasn’t what I wanted, in the back of my mind I’ve known what i want for a long time - basically a place/studio/cafe/retreat/homeawayfromhome/coaching space. Why don’t I have it yet? - two reasons I feel, because it’s not for now I realised that the other day!, there’s other things to work on first and then because I haven’t done (all) the work on me.
As I walked the other morning I realised the question I needed to ask myself wasn’t “what do I want” but “what do I care about”….
I care about this planet and what we are doing to her.
I care for the lonely - young and old - I can only imagine what it feels like to really have no-one.
I care for all living beings, not just humans but all animals, insects, reptiles.
I care for freedom, of speech, expression and the ability to be oneself which I appreciate is not possible all over the world.
I care for adventure and seeing new places and meeting new people
I care to connect, hence my blogging I guess. I babble away because I can, because I have a voice and what I write resonants with someone out there. I may never know, but each word I type is also a connection to and with myself and then being brave enough for others to read my inner thoughts.
And I care about myself, who I am, how I live and how I go about the game of life.
2017 was a big year of learning about life and in myself I know I’ve shifted. I still have a paranoid, anxious little voice that talks to me - and I welcome her so I can calm her down and move onwards….
2016 : caterpillar.
2017 : cocoon
2018 : butterfly